Forward Thinking

It’s time. I have run out of excuses for not posting to my blog, and this is my chance to find redemption in my own mind. I would have liked to have participated in the Ultimate Blog Challenge that began on July 1^st, with the goal of posting on my blog once every day for the entire month of July, but even without a summer class keeping me busy, I just could not make the commitment. To those of you who are posting each day- I am following you and encouraging you along your journey! For me, the goal will be less lofty. I will attempt to post one a week.

My initial idea when starting to blog was to write about my experiences with bipolar disorder. I have thirteen years of stories to tell and feelings to share that I know will help someone, somewhere to cope with their own illness. The problem I’m having is that I’m incredibly stable right now, and going down that path of memory is just too painful. I know that someone out there needs to hear what has happened to me so that they know they are not alone, but I just cannot bring myself to dwell on the past right now.

I’m in a forward-thinking frame of mind. I have goals lined up by the dozens and self-improvement on the brain. Right now I need to focus on these dreams and goals that are keeping me up at night with pure anticipation. Maybe this is my time to use my blogging space to support myself. There will be plenty of time in the future to share the past. Perhaps I’ll even sprinkle in a memory or two along the way.

I’m out of excuses. School is out for the summer and I have just about a month of freedom with which to do work on my life. I may lose readers who are looking for different content, but I’m hoping to gain a few who might like to journey along with me where I am now.

Ready?

Let’s do this.

Riki’s “Seven-Month-Later” Update

Please excuse the repetition in posting here, but I feel that I need to go back and update a few things from one of my very first posts. Back in January I submitted a post titled “Fall Down and Rise Again” that highlighted my goals for the year. Here I stand seven months later and so much has happened. Some of my goals have already been reached, and some need some additional attention. I’ll take this post to update you on where I am now.

Let’s start with my Physical Health Goals:

1. Eat healthier. Well, so much for Weight Watchers. I tried this program again and although I didn’t gain any weight, I didn’t lose any either. After several months of frustrating yo-yo action I discussed the program at length with my family doctor. It turns out that while Weight Watchers definitely gets you thinking about food in a different and refreshing way, not all “points” are equal. It turns out that even if you diligently stick to your “daily points allowance”- if you eat them all in chicken wings and beer, you will not lose any weight.  (Thank you doc- this point is no longer lost on me). So-we’re on to the next plan of action, which is a pretty straight forward plan of calorie counting and exercise (more on the joys that brings me later). I am now tracking my every swallow of food and beverage and embarking on a brave new plan to move my ass a bit more. I’ll let you know how that works out for me.
2. Move more. Please see the above remarks about my ass in motion.

Okay, on we go with my Mental Health Goals:

1. Honor my emotions, but not live by them. I am doing well with this one. I have found that while I still find it more than a little uncomfortable to “sit with” my more negative emotions, I no longer feel the need to act out on their behalf.
2. Attend therapy appointments/support groups regularly. This one took me until just recently to accomplish, but I think I may have found a therapist who “gets” me enough to make some progress. (I knew he was the one when we didn’t spend my first five sessions under the weight of my parent’s (amicable) divorce or my brother’s passing. He actually thinks that my future is where the action should be).  As for a support group– I attended a type of group I never imagined I would set foot into, and got more out of it than I thought I might. More on that later. I’m not quite ready to divulge this secret.

Ah…now we’re getting to the good part! Creative Goals:

1. Write every day. Success! Aside from the occasional lazy day where I do not even bother to brush my hair, I have written something non-school-or-work related every day. This has mostly been in the form of a very self-indulgent journal, but at least it’s writing every day.
2. Share my work. Unfortunately all that self-indulgent journal writing has left me with very little- okay nothing at all- to share with anyone.

Okay, then. Work Goals:

1. Stay Positive. I managed to stay on the up side of positive for the most part in my less-than-ideal work situation. I owe this entirely to my friends, who allowed me to rant on Facebook and over drinks. There is one friend in particular who never gave up on me and introduced me to the lovely world of Sweet Republic ice cream. I owe her for my sanity, but may also blame her for my waistline. (Just kidding…)
2. Seek Opportunity. Wow-this was the best goal I could have ever made, and it ended up working out in my favor. Now that I am no longer employed there, I don’t feel the need to sugar-coat my unhappiness at my previous place of employment. Yes, you heard that correctly. I left my job for a bigger and better opportunity and am ecstatic about it in every way. I no longer walk on eggshells and take verbal abuse from an unhappy, sour woman with no regard for another person’s feelings. I now work for an uplifting, grateful boss who values my skills and nurtures my ideas. Enough said.

And, finally….my Life Goals:

1. Appreciate that true love is rare. Ah- was that ever a mouthful! Seven months later I do indeed appreciate that true love is rare, and I do not take love for granted. However, the love I am not taking for granted is now a friend’s love. I realized that it takes two to sustain a relationship, and that sometimes the love found in a friendship is enough.
2. Appreciate my loving and supportive family. This is a hard goal to “meet” since my family amazes me with their generosity on a daily basis. I have no idea how I
   will ever come close to giving them all they have given to me, much less more. I will continue to try, though.

So there we are-an update on my life’s goals seven months later. They were a great set of starter goals that actually took me farther than I thought they would, but I now have a whole new series of health and wellness goals to focus on. I’ll post more about those and the inspiration for them at a later date.

Perfectionism and the Free Write

First off I must apologize to everyone who has so sweetly attempted to “follow” my blog, only to come to my site to find nothing new to follow. I am, as usual, perfecting the fine art of procrastination. I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging, and have lots of ideas about topics to blog about, but I am paralyzed by some sort of absurd writer’s block. It’s the type of writer’s block that stems from perfectionism. I often feel like if I cannot put out the “perfect” piece of writing, then it’s not worth writing at all.

I’ve found that this sense of perfectionism permeates my entire life. For example, my diet. I am by all means not a healthy eater. I love food, and I love the social experience of sharing it with my friends and loved ones. I celebrate with food, and I unfortunately also soothe myself with food as well. Now, as far as diets are concerned, I’ll go on them with high hopes and good intentions, striving for the perfect food diary and the perfect combination of fat, carbs, and fiber. All goes well for the first week, only to be quickly derailed. Instead of just picking up and going on with my plans I think, “I wasn’t perfect. I might as well quit.” And then I do. Same with exercise. And yoga. And mediation. And cooking. And the list goes on and on. Where does this sense of perfectionism come from?

I’m not sure if perfectionism is a hallmark trait of someone who has bipolar disorder, but I know that a lot of creative types suffer from it. I went searching for a way to overcome it, and was bombarded with ideas. I decided to narrow my search to just overcoming perfectionism in writing, and came across a phenomenal, tried-and-true exercise that seems to be working…the “free-write.” With free writing, you simply put words on the page, in whatever order they come into your head. There is no fear of criticism over the stream-of-consciousness writing that you put forth in a free writing exercise. I tried the it a few times and found that ninety percent of what I’d written was pure junk, but sure enough there was that remaining ten percent where some ideas shine through. There are definitely some diamonds in the rough in there!

Now the bigger question is how do I apply the exercise of free writing to my other life pursuits? Is there a sort of free write for dieting or physical fitness? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. I’m willing to try anything that you come up with!

Until then, I’ll keep going in my daily pursuits and put one foot in front of the other until I fail. Then I will simply start over again. And so it goes.

Fall Down and Rise Again

It’s Day Two of keeping my New Year‘s Goals. (“Resolutions” sounds way too final. I need room for growth and revision). I decided that I would share a few of my very-ordinary-yet-oh-so-important-to-me goals with you. Maybe if I get them out there in the universe they will manifest appropriately if you’re into that. If not, maybe God will see and hear my prayers for a better life and lend a helping hand- maybe that’s more your style. I’ve separated my Goals into a few categories to make them more manageable.

PHYSICAL HEALTH GOALS

1. Eat healthier. Well, duh. I think that this goal tops most everyone’s New Year’s List, but for me it is a serious thing. I have joined Weight Watchers in an attempt at some official guidance. I’ve worked with Weight Watchers before after the great Lithium Weight Gain, and I lost almost 80 pounds through the program, so I am confident in its success. The new Points Plus program they have unveiled gives me great hope for a healthier New Year. (No- I am not a spokesperson for Weight Watchers!)
2. Move more. I suppose this goes with my first goal, but it really is for both my physical health as well as my mental health. I vow to get my behind on the beautiful red bicycle sitting in my living room, and use the two healthy feet that God has blessed me with to both gain cardiovascular fitness and mental clarity.

MENTAL HEALTH GOALS

1. Honor my emotions, but not live by them. I will honor the fact that I will feel sad, down, and out-of-sorts at times. It is okay. I will not make big decisions or pick little fights with my friends and loved ones because of them. They are valid and okay emotions that deserve attention in my life, yet so not have to rule my actions.
2. Attend therapy appointments/support groups regularly. I have been to about as many therapists as there are in my area, and have yet to find one that makes me feel safe and comfortable sharing my life. This year I will find one (or a good support group) that makes me feel like I am important and my feelings are valid, and I will attend regularly.

CREATIVE GOALS

1. Write every day. I will write something non-school-or-work related EVERY DAY. Period. End of story. No excuses!
2. Share my work. I will not be apprehensive about sharing my works-in-progress with my trusted sources.

WORK GOALS

1. Stay Positive. My current work situation is less than ideal, but that is okay. I have the ability to stay positive and make the most out of my every day in this position. I will learn to handle adversity and dissent, and will rise above the nonsense.
2. Seek opportunity. I am not stuck where I am professionally. I am full of skill and talent that is currently untapped. I will seek opportunities to expand my horizons and find a niche for my multitude of talents.

LIFE GOALS

1. Appreciate that true love is rare. I am lucky enough to be loved by a wonderful, attentive, and caring man. I will not take that for granted, and will take every opportunity to show him how special he is to me in every way.
2. Appreciate my loving and supportive family. I am also blessed by an unconditionally loving and generous family. I will give to them all that they have given to me and more.

So, there we are…my simple and hopeful goals for the New Year. I am eager to get started and share my success with you. May your year bring you all of the blessings and love that you deserve. I am here for your support!