Talking Could Stop Suicide-Be Kind

Going along with this week’s theme and supporting Suicide Prevention Week (September 4-10, 2011) I am doing a repost of a piece I wrote for Arizona State University’s State Press newspaper. It was printed March 14^th of 2003, but remains as important a plea as ever for students to support one another. In this column I am speaking directly to my college peers in a week where we lost a student to suicide. I could easily be talking to a high school or junior high community as well.

 Talking could stop suicide, from someone who knows

 by Riki Cleveland, guest columnist
 published on Friday, March 14, 2003

My brother shot himself. That’s right, suicide. When you see me, and the topic comes up, please don’t lower your eyes and mumble your sympathies. Please don’t tell me you know how I feel because your dog Buddy was hit by a car. Tell me it sucks. Tell me you’ve felt like that before.

Tell me about the day your parents got divorced, you failed an exam, you caught your fiancée with another lover, the car wouldn’t start, and you just felt so alone that you wanted to disappear. Then I can look at you and say, “I’ve felt like that too.”

Believe it or not, more people than you think are feeling the stress of college life on our campus. In fact, according to the American Association of Suicidology, suicide rates are significantly higher for 19-24 year-old college students than for non-students of the same age group.

The rate increase is credited to the fact that most students experience their first bout with depression in their college years. Go figure. The expectations of your parents, professors and peers are very high. We allow ourselves to get caught up in what other people in our lives think of us.

We are so busy perfecting our blasé act, where we pretend to be unaware of what everyone thinks of us. We look as if we don’t care. For some of us, it’s a full time job. The impression is that we just can’t be passionate about something. We just can’t feel that much. It’s just not cool to be different from the norm.

Take my brother, for instance. He was an 18-year-old boy in his senior year of high school. He had a style he liked – country western. Dumb, huh? What a dork. What kind of guy walks around in Wranglers and a cowboy hat? Students can be heartless, and college doesn’t change that. Did my brother’s sense of style aid in his alienation that led him to kill himself? Maybe not; but it surely could not have helped.

In order to prevent future suicides we have to normalize mental illness and the actual act itself. It is not weak, shameful, sinful, or selfish. This type of stigma keeps students from getting the help they need. We have to allow the feelings to be normal.

It has to be OK for us to talk about them. It has to be the norm. My brother was in the U.S. Army, and it’s just not acceptable to be emotional in the military. Maybe that’s why not a single soul was aware that he was hurting. Maybe that’s why a cop and a detective had to break the news that a young boy took his own life to a family who thought he was happy. Maybe that’s why I now get a pain in my chest that just won’t go away when a person takes his or her life while feeling absolutely alone.

All of us have causes we fight for. Mine is suicide prevention. You know it’s the leading killer of men 18-25. You also know we lost a classmate, Jeffrey Gleason, who is suspected to have committed suicide on Monday.

You know what? Nobody’s talking about it. But we have to. Since 1950, the rate of college suicides has doubled for women and tripled for men.

Some of the rise can be attributed to the accessibility of drugs and alcohol for students. It is easier to self-medicate when we’ve had a bad day. Alcohol also lowers inhibitions. We’ve all seen the effects at a party or over Spring Break. Adding depression to lowered inhibitions increases risk-taking tendencies toward self-destruction.

We have an incredible amount of support around us every day. We don’t have to be alone. Where is your support? Teachers? Dorm mates? Sororities? Fraternities? Sports teams? We have to use them. We have to look out for each other.

Nobody is too busy, too macho, or too strong. Please talk about it, and remember your resources. Hotlines (1-800-SUICIDE), peers and family are all great places to start. If you know a friend or loved one who is feeling suicidal, please remember the following tips: be yourself, listen, listen, listen, try not to judge, and get help as soon as possible.

My little brother died a very lonely death. I was denied the opportunity to say goodbye or tell him that I love him. Now my life has taken a different course. I ask ASU students to please keep an eye on one another and remember that there is a better way to solve problems. Call a friend, call me, call anyone.

In the words of Dr. Chris Carr, “Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem.”

 

Thank you for allowing me to spread the word that suicide is preventable and it is only through speaking about it that we may erradicate it completely from our lives.

 

Suicide Prevention Week-My Story

To kick off Suicide Prevention Week (September 4-10, 2011) and continue my mission to share the aftermath of a loved one’s suicide in hopes of preventing another one, I am sharing an excerpt from an autobiographical essay that I wrote in 2003. The essay, titled A Brief Eternity is an account of my initial diagnosis of bipolar disorder and the few years that followed. It was within that time in October of 1998 that we found out my younger brother Kevin had taken his own life at the age of eighteen.

 I am honored that the essay itself won first prize in the Arizona Authors Association 2003 Literary Contest, but today I share this passage with you to give a factual illustration of how a loved one’s decision to take their life affects a family. It is my hope to touch the life of someone who may be considering suicide as an option, as well as to soothe those who may have lost someone in this tragic manner. Whichever end you are on, please know that you are not alone, and there are many places that you may go to seek guidance and support.

 All I had left to move out of my tiny apartment was the furniture and I was waiting impatiently for my younger brother to bring his truck by to pick it up. He and my father had gone to Rocky Point, Mexico for a family vacation. He was due back that afternoon and never arrived. I waited and waited and waited. I eventually ended up at my mom’s house, where we waited some more. Late that evening we reported him missing with the Chandler Police Department.

It was the longest few days of my life. Everywhere I went I thought I saw him. His cowboy hat; the smell of his Stetson cologne; his smile. Every white Chevrolet truck was his. Every phone call was him. Nobody slept. We all just sat around and waited for something to happen.  Did he go back to Mexico for some more fun? Was he in an accident somewhere? What was going on and why wasn’t he home yet? My dad and my uncle went back to Mexico to look for him. The evening they left we would know.

My mother and I were sitting in the living room watching the movie Opposite of Sex, with Christina Ricci. I’ll never forget that night. It was late, probably around eleven when there was a knock at the door that sent my heart straight to the pit of my stomach. All of the blood in my body ran cold as I walked downstairs to answer the door. Standing there under our dim yellow porch light was a uniformed policeman and a detective in plain clothes. They introduced themselves and asked for my mother. I walked them upstairs where she was standing.

I don’t remember what that detective said, or how he said it, but I know that I went numb. He told my mother that my eighteen-year-old brother’s body had been found in the desert in Tonopah, Arizona. He’d been shot. He was dead. It was a suicide. I’ll never forget the sound that came from my mother’s mouth that night. It was a sort of strangled half scream, half cry. The two men stood there as my mom sank down in a chair. She was sobbing. I was staring at the two men. I couldn’t cry. I tried, but there were no tears. I felt nauseated.

I know that questions were asked and calls were made. I called my dad, who was en route back home from Mexico with my uncle. The cellular phone made a dull thud when he dropped it. I called my grandparents and I was surprised at how strong and composed they were when they arrived at our house. I was so spaced-out and emotionally numb that I felt nothing.

 Please feel free to share this story with those people you know may be helped by it. I hope that you are never impacted by the loss of a loved one by suicide, but unfortunately to a certain degree we are all impacted by the loss of celebrities and sports stars who take their lives. Their often too public lives cannot escape the drama that will follow them long after their decision to leave this world at their own hand. Please find it in your heart to show compassion for those people and their families, who did not ask to be thrust into the spotlight in this heart-rending way.

If you are feeling hopeless and unsure for yourself or someone who you care about, please do not hesitate to contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK. Their services are completely free of charge, confidential, and they are available for you 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to a stranger, please reach out to a friend, school guidance counselor, favorite teacher, church resource, or family member. You are too valuable to lose, and we are here to help you.

 Thank you for your ongoing support of my blog and of each other.

World Suicide Prevention Day-September 10, 2011

This will be just a brief post to announce my support of this very important day of the year. On September 10^th, I will be supporting the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) on World Suicide Prevention Day. This day is part of the weeklong Suicide Prevention Week occurring September 4^th– 10^th.

On its website (http://www.iasp.info/index.php), the IASP states its dedication to “preventing suicidal behavior, alleviating its effects, and providing a forum for academics, mental health professionals, crisis workers, volunteers and suicide survivors.” They are not only avid supporters of lifesaving measures in preventing suicide, but a wonderful reference for those thinking of suicide or touched by the after effects of another’s completed suicide.

As many of you know, my life was forever altered with the loss of my younger brother, Kevin to suicide in 1998. Although the years are long since losing him, not a day goes by where I am not affected by it. Suicide Prevention Week is my opportunity to remember him in a productive way in sharing the effects of suicide on the family and friends a person leaves behind.

If you are a Facebook user, please consider virtually “attending” World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10^th to show your support. You may visit that page at: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=216451091704034 to participate.

Thank you for all of your support and kind thoughts, and I look forward to sharing with you in the coming week.

Best wishes and love,

Riki

My Shameless Request for Your Support

To my dear blog family,

Please allow me just one post to shamelessly request your support in an effort to raise funds for a cause that is very near and dear to me. This coming January 15, 2012 I will be walking in the P.F. Chang’s Rock and Roll Marathon/Half-Marathon in Arizona to support the EMPACT Suicide Prevention Center (http://www.lafronteraarizona.com/). The money I raise through sponsorship will go directly to support the Survivors of Suicide support group that was so instrumental in my healing after losing my younger brother in October of 1998.

My life was completely torn apart when I lost my younger brother, Kevin to suicide. He was eighteen years old and the light of so many lives. There are no words to describe the feeling of loss and hopelessness that permeates your life when you lose a loved one in such a dramatic and unexpected way, and with a suicide there are so many compounded feelings of guilt and anger that accompany natural grief. Thankfully EMPACT-SPC had a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) support group in our area, and we were able to attend. It was in that group that I found others who had lost a loved one to suicide and in an instant I felt that I was never alone in my grief.

It has now been nearly thirteen years since Kevin took his own life, and a day does not go by that I do not think of him and wish with all of my heart that he were with me. As time has passed, slowly people have forgotten the past, or I have met new people in my life who never knew him. This walk is my way of honoring his memory while serving the EMPACT-SPC community that made me whole again when I thought there was nobody. Please consider sponsoring me by donating through our secure online page at http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/EMPACT-SPC-Riki/PFChangsRockRollMarathonHalf-Marathon.

Thank you for allowing me to use this space to request your help. I am very much looking forward to the training that will lead up to January 15^th, and cannot wait to wear Kevin’s photo on my back with the love of a very proud sister.

Riki